The key to a healthy relationship is good communication. My dearest wife, I promised to answer all your questions by May 15th, and if there's one thing I value, it's good communication to compliment my massive personal integrity. So with that in mind, I will now answer all your questions:
Is it true that when you drove our 13-year old babysitter home, you surreptitiously fed her two valiums, screwed her and then when she became pregnant you took her against her will to a Tijuana abortionist and immediately after the completion of the procedure while she was still massively hemorrhaging, you sold her to a gang of narcotraficantes for 4 ounces of low-grade Mexican Red which you then smoked ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF you bogarting bastard on the drive back home?
Since April 15th and the days immediately following, I have faced numerous challenges and hurdles to ensuring a smooth marriage and the orderly return of mutual satisfaction. Know that I have worked tirelessly to address these issues and have made significant progress on both fronts.
1.When are you going to fix the handle on the back gate?
- Long answer blablablablablabla. More info blablablabla. Here's more info blablabla.
2.Is it Valiums or would it be Valia?
- Well the Latin pluralization convention blablabla. Blablablabla. Bla Bla Blabla.
3. What about those Pro Bass Shop purchases made before April 15th?
- I am going to cancel any purchases and give you a credit. A very short time later, you will get the actual money back. Soon. Real soon.
4. you tell me I'll get the pending chargeback, but what about reimbursement for chargeback hits for Pro Bass Shop items that haven't and won't come?
- Because it's a transaction that never actually imaginarily happened, I have to go to great trouble to cancel out the imaginary transaction which means I have to make contact with the imaginary shipping department, which requires me to post an anti-imagitronic credit against the inverted transaction which then requires an imaginary override from their imaginary assistant manager who has a special key for the cash register, and he has been busy in Guatemala this last month trying to purchase the entire government there. These things don't come cheap you know. He offered $100 million. They countered $200 million, and it's taking him some time to raise the additional funds. By the by, there is really no reason why you shouldn't continue to have your paychecks deposited in our mutual account despite the claims by the bank that it has been frozen.
This is one of the reasons the final imaginary chargeback payments have been delayed. Probably the only one, I'm sure.
5. What about my jacket?
- Ah, here's a question, I can really, really answer. I mean, I really have answered them all, but this one, well, I can really really answer. Too.
6. Why do some of your questions begin with capital letters and some Don't?
- We have confirmed that the inconsistent capitalization has happened. As far as we can tell it didn't happen in April, so that's a good sign. There is still an ongoing investigation into exactly what happened and how.
7. just noticed that there is a magnet on the refrigerator in the garage in our cabin up north that is tilted about two degrees to the right. not sure if I should serve asparagus or cauliflower with the salmon tonight. But if you can help me answer this one question, I'm sure everything in our relationship will now be all better.
- I'm looking into this.
"Thank you, dear, for answering all my questions."
"Are we all better?"
"We're all better."